Say Yes to Say No

As a new parent, I was likely to say NO for a lot of things.⠀

"No, you cannot do that"⠀

"No, you cannot eat that."⠀

"No, that isn't possible."⠀

Then, after I lost my patience, just “No”.⠀

You see, I had thought that saying YES might spoil a child.⠀

Then I learnt the art of saying No in a way that was OK with the child. It was simple. ⠀

To say a NO, you say a YES. "Yes, But..."⠀

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Amma, can I please eat icecream? ⠀

Yes, you can, later this week. Not today, since we just had icecream yesterday.⠀

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Amma, can you please buy me playdoh? ⠀

Yes, we can. I don’t have money right now, so could we put it on your birthday wishlist instead, if you want something smaller this year? (Child said No)⠀

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You see what I just did there? ⠀

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So what changes when I say yes?⠀

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• Your child feels that he has control in the process of decision making. – When you reason with the child, the child knows you are not exercising autonomy as a parent, but making the child a participant in your decision. This way, the child feels heard.⠀
• Developing decision making skills – When you give the child options, the child gets the idea that he is in control. Even if he makes a poor choice, he learns to live with it. It is easier to cope with bad decisions as a child, than as an adult surely.
• Your relationship with your child is better – Your child looks up to you to as a partner in his life, rather than as an impediment, which happens when you keep saying no. By saying Yes, you are removing resentment from the parent-child equation.⠀
• Taking Responsibility – When you let your child make choices, he takes onus for the consequences of those decisions. So, instead of a spoiled child, you are actually nurturing a child who takes responsibility for the outcomes of his decisions, good or bad.⠀
• Creating a positive parenting experience – This strategy is effective as a positive parenting tool because you and your child have determined the consequences of any behavior beforehand, and you have removed yourself out of the equation of decision making.⠀

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So, say Yes, as much as possible. Until, life threatening. Even then, give them a reason why you are saying No.